THE LONELINESS OF EVERYDAY

In Genesis the second thing God says about humankind is that it is not good for man to be alone.
That's what I feared most about my decision to come out and to remain celibate, that I doomed myself to lifelong loneliness.


Before coming out I often daydreamed about what it would be like to be married, to have a house, to raise children, what their names would be, what activities they’d do, to have a home unlike the one I had growing up, to know that I belonged somewhere. I always dreamed about where to put my love and where I'd receive love. Now, in light of where I felt my Christian faith and Biblical inerrancy was taking me, I stopped dreaming about those things.

In their place, I began to have a recurrent picture of myself around age fifty, coming home to an empty apartment, having lived all of my adulthood as a single man. I started to think about the particulars of that scenario: not knowing each year where I’d be for Thanksgiving or Christmas, waking up each morning to a quiet bedroom and having no one across the table from me as I ate my eggs before heading to work, coming home at the end of the day and not having anyone to share it with, reading a book with no one to talk to about the parts of it that stood out to me. The loneliness of the everyday. The loneliness of no one knowing if your plane lands on time, of no one to call if you lock yourself out of your house or your car breaks down— I find that loneliness worse than the loneliness that comes as a result of a breakup or a divorce. And I began to wonder what, if anything, to do about it.